29 April 2013

More Alaskan Tourist Follies

These are real questions my wife and I have personally been asked by tourists. Except where noted, the answers are what we wanted to say, but didn't.

Q. Will we see polar bears in Anchorage?
A. Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q. Do you know my cousin Bob in Fairbanks?
A. Sure. Everyone in Alaska knows everyone else.

Q. I didn't expect you to have sidewalks!
A. Yep. We have paved streets, telephones, and everything.

Q. Do you take American money?
A. How do you think we got the sidewalks and paved streets?

Q. Do you speak English?
A. Impeccably. Do you?

Q. What kind of clothes do you wear in the winter?
A. The warm kind.

Q. What do you do about those long, dark nights?
A. Turn on the lights.

Q. We saw that lovely little town of Nightmute in the movie "Insomnia." How long does it take to drive there?
A. (My real answer) You can't drive to Nightmute; access is by airplane only. Besides, the town in the movie was really in British Columbia.
Q. But they said it was Alaska!
A. I'm sure Al Pacino is very sorry.

Q. How can we see the northern lights?
A. Be here in the winter-time, and remember to look up.

Q. Do I need an international voltage converter?
A. I don't know; which country are you headed for?

Q. Which way is north in Alaska?
A. Same way as everywhere else.

Q. We want to drive over to Juneau.
A. (Real answer) It's 650 miles from here, and only accessible by air or sea.
Q. But how long would it take to drive?
A. Did your parents have any children that lived?

Q. Where do you get all this wonderful daylight?
A. Sunlight 'R' Us; ask for the bulk rate. And tell them Nanook sent you.


threecollie said...

Outstanding! I like

Rev. Paul said...

Thank you.

DR said...


Steve said...

Wait, you're saying Hollywood LIED?!

Rev. Paul said...

I'm sorry, Steve; I know it's a shock. ;^)

Old NFO said...

Snerk... Good ones and demonstrated stupidity comes to the fore once again... sigh

Rev. Paul said...

NFO, it's the one thing we'll never run out of.

PioneerPreppy said...


Jenny said...

Q. Do you take American money?
A. Well yes, but the exchange rate's a b*tch.

Rev. Paul said...

Thanks, Preppy. :)

Jenny, that's a great idea - we'll give it a go & see what happens. Heh.

Sandy said...

Rev. Paul,

Now that's too funny.

ProudHillbilly said...

Made me laugh out loud, especially the next to last one.

Rev. Paul said...

Thanks, Sandy.

PH, I hear some form of that question every year. Amazing - and a sad commentary on our educational system.

joated said...

Well done!

Rev. Paul said...

Thanks, joated!

zdogk9 said...

But sometimes you'll get really spectacular displays of the Northern Lights in late July, or September.

Rev. Paul said...

zdogk9, in July we can't see it, because the skies don't get dark. Winter nights, being so long, offer the best chance. Most tourists want to be here when we have 22 or 23 hours of daylight, so their desire to see the Northern Lights becomes a self-defeating proposition. :)

Gracie said...

Love the last one!

Rev. Paul said...

Thanks, Gracie; I'm fond of that one, myself. :)