01 February 2015

Deep Thinking

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then - just to loosen up and be a part of the crowd. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another and soon I was more than just a  social thinker. I began to  think alone ("to relax," I told myself ) but I knew it wasn't true.  Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home.  One evening I turned off the TV  and asked my wife about the meaning of life.  She spent that  night at her mother's.

I began to  think on the job.  I knew that thinking and employment don't mix,  but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius, Camus and Kafka.  I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly that we are doing here?"

One day the  boss called me in.  He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem.  If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a  lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking ..."

"I know you've  been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"  

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious," I replied.

"It is serious," she said, her lower lip a-quiver. "You think as much as college professors and college professors don't make any  money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a  fallacious syllogism," I explained impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some John Locke.  I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass  doors.

They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

Leaning on the unfeeling glass and whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line.  It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

Now I never miss a TA meeting.  At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.  Life just seemed  easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking; I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.


Today I took  the final step: I joined the Democratic Party.


Sunnybrook Farm said...


Cathy said...

I knew things couldn't end well when I read this:
" . . . . I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio."

PioneerPreppy said...

College professors don't make any money?

Rob said...

Padre, say it isn't so The Democratic Party ??? I will pray that the demons of hell will release their grip on you and you regain proper thinking once again.

Ed Bonderenka said...

Perfect punchline.

Rev. Paul said...

SF - thanks for that.

Cathy - I seriously considered changing that to Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh. :)

Preppy - apparently not, in the universe in which that joke takes place.

Rob - no worries. I wouldn't even want to visit that planet. Heh.

Ed - thank you.

Well Seasoned Fool said...


Toirdhealbheach Beucail said...

Well done. You hooked me right to the end.

ProudHillbilly said...


Rev. Paul said...

All - I'm glad you liked it. :)

Sandy said...

Rev. Paul,

The ending.....priceless!!!!
Both my husband and I giggled at the punch line.

Chickenmom said...

Good one, Rev.Paul - Thanks for the chuckle!

Rev. Paul said...

Sandy & Chickenmom: you're welcome.