28 February 2017

Safety Tips for Your Next Monster Hunt

1. If someone tells you that you are the Chosen One and must save whoever or whatever, kill them and change your name.

2. Same bloody well goes for any harbinger of any "prophesy". If possible, resurrect them and kill them a second time.

3. If a mysterious and beautiful woman appears out of nowhere and is interested in you, run.

4. If you see a lone young child in the middle of nowhere and is uncommonly cheerful and/or giggling, run like you heard banjos.

5. Black cats, not so bad. Black dog that watches you without ever blinking? Don't run. Slowly back away.

6. Attics? Tell one of your buddies that you hid the beer up there. If he comes back intact, then you can go on up.

7. Cellars? Tell your buddy that you forgot you moved the beer down to the cellar. That's the point of buddies: they're gullible.

8. Bullets may or may not work. Either way, shoot the evil entity a lot. Why take a chance?

9. Fire always makes a situation better. Or more entertaining, and that's the truly important thing.

10. If mysterious folk with foreign or ancient accents pop on any suspicious date (full moon, ides of March, Tuesday, etc), pretend to not understand them.

11. If you can't outrun the evil entity, well, you only have to outrun the more cliché characters.

12. For the love of Pete, if you're driving at night, fill the tank when you're between a quarter and half tank.

13. Fix-A-Flat. Cheaper than being hung up on a rusty meat hook.

14. Hot chicks are like canaries. Always keep a few around when you visit Bad Place. They'll die first.

15. Little known fact, vampires are allergic to magnesium. When ignited and shoved down their throat. It's the only time that real vampires sparkle.

16. If you have reason to believe you are being stalked by an evil entity, someone might want to stay awake when everyone else sleeps.

17. If one member of your party starts hearing voices, party over, time to leave.

18. If a disembodied voice tells you to get out, follow the advice.

19. Vacations to rundown shacks in the middle of nowhere never work out well.

20. Vacations to Eastern Europe can end with you dismembered. But they have very attractive women. Definitely worth the risk.

21. If anyone says "But Whatever Bad Entity doesn't exist", kneecap them and leave them while the rest of you wait to see if he or she is right.

22. A flamethrower is always appropriate.

23. When various members of your party mysteriously start missing, don't individually go looking for them.

24. There's no such thing as overkill. Only "Not enough" and "Needs more". Remember this when you think the evil critter is finally dead.

25. When you find the sacred/cursed/ancient artifact, don't screw with it. Just put it on eBay and let the feedback answer your curiosity.

26. If some random weirdo offers you unsolicited food, drugs or drink, politely decline.

27. If the innkeeper is way too happy to see you, leave. They probably want to sacrifice you. Or they have termites.

28. If someone gives you a quest to find something oddly obscure that happens to be bloody far away with implausibly complicated directions, go on a vacation instead.

29. If you really HAVE to go, dial Blackwater's Rent-A-Friend program then rent a helicopter to take you and friends to said obscure location.

30. If you manage to escape the werewolves, undead, aliens, or whatever long enough to get to the phone, don't try to explain the situation. Just call the National Guard and tell them al-Qaeda is planning to poison the nation's beer supplies and they're currently at such and such an address. You'll have all the Blackhawks and Apache gunships you'd want in about ten minutes.


Old NFO said...

Snerk... Sparkly vampires... :-)

Toirdhealbheach Beucail said...

This is the sort of life saving information that should be readily available.

drjim said...

I think I'll print these out and post them in the garage.....

Rev. Paul said...

NFO, I know Larry Corriea said something similar about setting them on fire, but it's still funny. :)

TB, that's why I published it here. Dissemination, dissemination, dissemination.

Jim, you go right ahead. Just keep a nearby scratch pad for recording how many spews it causes. Heh.

Suz said...

See...this is one of many reasons why I enjoy your site...important safety info and police blotters. :)

Unknown said...

I laughed way too bloody hard at these.

LindaG said...

Garlic doesn't work any more? Maybe a few Bible verses?
I think this should be shared. :)

Rev. Paul said...

Suz, I'm just happy that you keep coming back. Glad you liked it. :)

Unknown, I'm glad you liked 'em, too.

Linda, I suspect you're right, but if there are multiple tools, then best to have a full quiver. Please feel free to share.

Chickenmom said...

Sounds like darn good advice if 'yer gonna visit any big city!

Rev. Paul said...

Much of it is transferable for either experience, ma'am. Good call.

Anonymous said...

Since someone has already mentioned Larry Correia, here's something to make this list even more amusing:

Imagine how each member of The Amazing Newbie Squad would, after the events of the first NHI novel, respond to each of these tips.

Rev. Paul said...

That could be fun. And messy. But then, when isn't it? :)