23 November 2014

Actual Resume' Bloopers

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.


Murphy's Law said...

I think we've hired several of those people here where I work.

Rev. Paul said...

I hear you. I've fired several of those people myself.

drjim said...

Sounds like they were management at several companies I've worked for!

Rev. Paul said...

drjim - there's that. :)

Chickenmom said...

#9 is the winner!

Rev. Paul said...

Chickenmom - it's a classic, indeed. :)

Guffaw in AZ said...



Rev. Paul said...

Glad you liked it, Guffaw.

Teresa said...

Alrighty then...

Rev. Paul said...


Cathy said...

I don't care if these are fictions.
They're so funny I could forgive the fabrication :)

Rev. Paul said...

Cathy, I don't think they're fabricated: I've personally seen several similar comments on resumes.

Cathy said...

" I've personally seen several similar comments on resumes." Now THAT is scary.