16 December 2014

Police Blotter: Mysterious Mysteries and UFOs

Suspicious Person/Activity
A man who had secured himself inside his container-home with a contraption which kept the doors shut from the interior asked officers to determine whether his exterior lock had been broken, as he did not wish to take the time or trouble to let himself out of his container van to look himself. The officer found no damage and the caller, speaking through a window in the van, decided the noise of a padlock breaking may simply have been a bad dream.
"Pardon me, officers, but would you mind terribly checking my door to see if it's locked? I'm terribly busy, lying in bed right now." ... sheesh.

Caller reported that his vehicle, which he had left with a flat tire at Morris Cove the previous night, had been driven off the roadway and was stuck in the marsh near the lake. A number of people in various stages of intoxication were identified as suspects. Under investigation.

A drunken caller reported he had just been assaulted by a roommate. The inebriate, who had urinated on himself and reminded police repeatedly that he was drunk, was unable to remember what exactly had happened and eventually told police that everything was "cool" and he didn't want their involvement.

Welfare Check
A well-known inebriate again reported that her equally intoxicated female companion had fallen. Officers responded, again, and found several drunks in the residence, none of them in need of police assistance.

Suspicious Person/Activity
A suspect described as a middle-aged man carrying a large plate of cookies was seen passing out cookies and beverages to people around town. An officer attempted to locate the open-handed, sweets-bearing chap, but was unable to locate him.

The middle-aged man with a large plate of cookies was spotted again, engaged once more in the dodgy act of giving away cookies and drinks. An officer this time located the culprit, and determined his random acts of kindness were simply a means to dispose of leftover snacks prepared for a corporate meeting.
The fiend!

A man who parked his vehicle at Westward Seafoods over a year ago and had given permission to others to use the vehicle, returned to Unalaska and discovered that his vehicle was not where he left it.

Suspicious Person/Activity
Caller reported a floating, flaming object had been hovering above the softball field. Officers responded to the area but found no identified or unidentified objects of similar description.
Does anyone else hear the theme from "The X-Files"?


joated said...

And here I thought the characters in Northern Exposure were completely fictional. Now it seems they are a mere collection of "real" people from Unialaska and Mayberry (thinking of Otis here).

Somebody actually called the cops on because someone was handing out cookies around Christmas time?

PioneerPreppy said...

Somehow I bet even the cookies had an underlying alcohol connection.

Ed Bonderenka said...

Ypsilanti used to have an unofficial motto:
"cars, bars, and a few weirdos".
We bow to you.

Rev. Paul said...

joated, we figure the village in "Northern Exposure" was a combination of Dutch Harbor and Talkeetna. Mostly Talkeetna, though, for the hippies. :)

Preppy, it's entirely possible, in that place.

Ed, Unalaska Island is 650 miles southwest of Anchorage, at the beginning of the Aleutian chain. But that's not to say we don't have our share of weird right here.

Chickenmom said...

Oh, how I loved Northern Exposure! It was the best show on TV until they changed the writers at the end. I still have the TV Guide that featured the show on their cover.

Rev. Paul said...

Chickenmom, we watched it, too - but while it wasn't filmed anywhere near Alaska, it certainly captured Alaskan attitudes. :)