Clearly explained:
The North has Bloomingdale's; the South has Dollar General.
The North has coffee houses; the South has the Waffle House.
The North has dating services; the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; The South has NASCAR.
The North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits.
The North has green salads; the South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters; the South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease … you’ll be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you, either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
The North has coffee houses; the South has the Waffle House.
The North has dating services; the South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last names; the South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races; The South has NASCAR.
The North has Cream of Wheat; the South has grits.
The North has green salads; the South has collard greens.
The North has lobsters; the South has crawdads.
The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.
FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .
If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from round here, are ya?"
Save all manner of bacon grease … you’ll be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you, either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin’” is a valid Southern defense.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way.
These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, or that they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. (This works in New Mexico as well; the difference is that they try to gravel the entire front yard.)
Also remember:
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way.
These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, or that they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. (This works in New Mexico as well; the difference is that they try to gravel the entire front yard.)
Also remember:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, you wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
7 comments:
> Save all manner of bacon grease …
Well, at least I've got that down!
> Be advised that "He needed killin’” is a valid Southern defense.
It's a MORALLY valid defense everywhere...it's just not recognized by the law up here in yankee territory (much like the 2nd amendment that way).
Great batch. Here's a few of my own:
Don't tell a Southerner you know how to drive in snow up North: he's seen videos on The Weather Channel proving otherwise.
All food is best either fried or slow-smoked over hickory and apple wood for about 8 hours. And by the way, barbecue is both a noun and a verb, refers only to pigmeat (unless you're from Texas), and is not the process of cooking over hot charcoal briquets on a Weber kettle. That is grilling.
If you think his Southern accent makes him sound ignorant, keep it to yourself; he's of a similar opinion of your Yankee accent, but is too polite to say so.
The Southerner doesn't care how you did things up North. If things are so great up there, why don't you go back?
Good post, I'm fixin to go get another cup of coffee.
I kinda like NASCAR...
As a man Southern born, all I can say is, it's all true. We are kinda special...and, we makes friends easily.
Stephen, I think these northern guys are just jealous of us deep down inside.
Tee!
First time out walkin' in an Alaskan neighborhood, I saw an airplane up on blocks in the front yard.
"I'm HOME! Except like... BETTER!"
Ain't no grits though. :(
:)
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