19 June 2013

How To Prove You're a Loser in 3 Easy Steps

1. Steal wiper blades from Wal-Mart.
2. Shoot your .22 at a locked door.
3. Take off pants.

What? You want more?

Okay, here's the rest of the story, from Channel 2 News:
Anchorage police say an Eagle River man was arrested early Tuesday, after he allegedly fired at a locked door at the local Walmart while trying to escape the building with a stolen $20 set of windshield wipers.

According to APD spokesperson Dani Myren, officers were called to the store, at 18600 Eagle River Rd., shortly after 1:30 a.m. When they arrived, they learned that an assistant manager and another employee had confronted a man -- later identified as 22-year-old Wesley Weinburger -- who had concealed the wipers on himself.

“(T)he suspect grabbed the assistant manager by her arm and physically moved her out of the way before running toward a set of locked entry doors,” Myren wrote. “At this point witnesses reported hearing multiple gunshots before the suspect changed directions and started running back through the front of the store toward another set of unlocked doors and into the parking lot.”

According to Myren, nobody was struck by any of the rounds fired inside the store, which were apparently aimed at the locked doors. Police don’t believe the gunfire had much effect on the doors’ integrity, which helped to thwart Weinburger's clean getaway.

“Apparently not enough, because he had to go to the other door to get out,” Myren said.
Police brought in K-9 units and formed a perimeter around the Walmart, leading them to search the neighborhood behind the store. Officers subsequently found Weinburger’s sneakers and jeans in bushes near a neighbor’s home, before he was arrested at his home on the 19000 block of Pribilof Loop at about 3:20 a.m.

Weinburger was charged with first-degree criminal mischief, third-degree assault and fourth-degree theft, then remanded to the Anchorage Jail. He was arraigned Tuesday afternoon.

Here's a hint, genius: when you see characters on TV shooting open a locked door, they're using bigger guns. And it's TV, not real life.

Can you say, "Loser"? I knew that you could.


ProudHillbilly said...

I've heard that doesn't actually work even with bigger guns.

I don't see in the story - was alcohol involved?

Rev. Paul said...

PH, as you said there's no mention of alcohol. I suspect the other deadly combination: adrenaline & stupidity.

joated said...

Well, he certainly had plenty of the latter.
*shakes head in amazement*

Rev. Paul said...

joated, I have to agree. Wow.

Cathy said...


" . . who had concealed the wipers on himself."

Unless these were wipers for a Barbie and Ken car . .
wouldn't it be kinda tough hiding a set of wipers on your person?

PioneerPreppy said...

Some of us have longer inseams than others Cathy :)

Maybe that's why he took his pants off?

Rev. Paul said...

Cathy, they didn't say the wipers were well concealed. Just sayin'. :)

Preppy, you beat me to it.