21 July 2017

What Do You Get When You Cross a Joke With a Rhetorical Question?

-Just ate a frozen apple. Hard core.
-My battery had an alkaline problem, so it went to AA meetings.
-I'm giving up spray deodorants at the end of the year. Roll on 2018.
-I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.
-Bought a litre of White Out yesterday. Huge mistake.
-Herb gardeners who work extra get thyme and a half.
-I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.
-Last night, I kept dreaming that I had written Lord of the Rings. The wife said I'd been Tolkien in my sleep.
-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
-I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
-I tried to catch some fog today, but I mist.
-Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
-Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
-Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
-Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam program I've seen in a long time.
-Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
-I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
-I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.
-A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reasons; details are sketchy.
-I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.
-I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
-A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
-I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but it doesn't matter: none of them work.
-I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
-I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
-What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
-eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
-My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
-My first job was working in an orange juice factory but I got canned; couldn't concentrate.
-Just watched a documentary on how ships are built. Riveting.
-I used to have a problem where I couldn't stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I'm over it now. Happy days!
-Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I'm excited to see how they turn out.
-I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing 'I'm A Believer'. Then I saw her face.
-How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
-My math teacher called me average. How mean!
-Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.
-I've just wrapped up a song about tortillas. Come to think of it, it might have been a rap song.
-A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
-Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
-I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.
-If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible?
-When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down.
-What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? Attire.
-I've just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome. Apparently, it's not unusual.
-Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
-Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.
-I find it very offensive when people get easily offended.
-I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around. And that's what it's all about.
-My computer's got Miley Virus. It has stopped twerking.
-If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.

h/t Mo Bro


OldAFSarge said...


Good way to start a weekend Rev, thanks!

Rev. Paul said...

Glad you liked it, Sarge!

LindaG said...

I find it very offensive when people get easily offended. Exactly.

You all have a safe, blessed weekend, Reverend.

Old NFO said...

Gah... There went my Monday post...LOL You must be on the same Mil-email links I am... LOL

Rev. Paul said...

Linda - thank you.

NFO, I'm not, but apparently Mo Bro is. ��

Ed Bonderenka said...

I wondered.....

Rev. Paul said...

Ed, I hope your curiosity has been satisfied. :)