Hunker-Down Humor #16: The Rules for Social Distancing

I hope this helps straighten out some of the confusion and misinformation out there.

The Rules:

1. Basically, you can't leave the house for any reason, but if you have to, then you can.

2. Masks are useless, but maybe you have to wear one. It can save you, but it may be useless. But maybe it is mandatory as well.

3. Stores are closed, except those that are open. You may be able to go inside, unless it's something you really need. Then they can bring it to you at the curb, unless you have to go inside to pay for it. Phone ahead.

4. You should not go to hospitals unless you have to go there. Same applies to doctors: you should only go there in case of emergency, provided you are not too sick. If you're sick, you can't go to the doctor; phone ahead.

5. This virus is deadly but still not too scary, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster. But it's not as deadly as the experts thought, except when it is.

6. Gloves won't help, but they can still help. 

7. Everyone needs to stay HOME, but it's important to GO OUT.

8. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarket, but there are many things missing when you go there in the evening, but not in the morning. Sometimes. On certain days.

9. The virus has no effect on children except those it affects.

10. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and there.

11. You will have many symptoms when you are sick, but you can also get sick without symptoms. You can have symptoms without being sick, or be contagious without having symptoms. OMG, we're all gonna die! Or maybe not.

12. In order not to get sick, you have to eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand and it's better not to go out. But go out and get fresh air, as long as you wear a mask and don't breathe.

13. It's better to get some fresh air, but you get looked at very wrong when you get some fresh air, and most importantly, you don't go to parks or walk. But don’t sit down, except that you can do that now if you are old, but not for too long, or if you are pregnant but not too old.

14. You can't go to retirement homes, but you have to take care of the elderly and bring food and medication.

15. If you are sick, you can't go out, but you can go to the pharmacy. Phone ahead so they can bring your prescriptions to your car.

16. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house, which may have been prepared by people who didn't wear masks or gloves. But you have to have your groceries decontaminated outside for 3 hours. 

17. Every disturbing article or disturbing interview starts with "I don't want to trigger panic, but…"

18. You can't visit your mother or grandmother, but you can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver. Then you can stand outside your mother's or grandmother's windows and wave at them. 

19. You can walk around with a friend, but not with your family if they don't live under the same roof. Or not, but wash your hands and walk on opposite sides of the street.

20. You are safe if you maintain the appropriate social distance, but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours, no, four, no, six, no, we didn't say hours, maybe days? But it takes a damp environment. Oh no, not necessarily. Go to wecantbecertain.gov for the latest guesses guidelines.

22. The virus stays in the air - well no, or yes, maybe, especially in a closed room. Probably.

23. In one hour a sick person can infect ten, so if it falls, all our children were already infected at school before it was closed. But school will remain canceled for the rest of the year anyway. But remember to stay at the recommended social distance. However, in certain circumstances you should maintain a greater distance, which, studies show, the virus can still reach. Maybe.

24. We count the number of deaths but we don't know how many people are infected as we have only tested so far those who were "almost dead" to find out if that's what they will die of. And those who die with the virus are recorded as having been killed by the virus. Or maybe not. But probably, maybe.

25. We have no treatment, except that there may be one that apparently is not dangerous unless you take too much (which is the case with all medications). Either way, Orange Man Bad.

26. We should stay locked up until the virus disappears, but it will only disappear if we achieve collective immunity, so when it circulates… but we must no longer be locked up for that? Maybe. Probably, or not.