Dispatch from the Future
Inspired by an encounter with a strident hoplophobe who
wanted to ban all guns and put all gun owners in prison (or worse)
A satire by Claire Wolfe, July 12th 2014
JPFO writer contributor, © 2014.
Mount Weather Complex
NOTE: The following document was found in the ruins of the Mount Weather complex
in the year C.E. 2715 and has been in the keeping of the staff of the
Interglobal History Museum since then. Although our scholars and
scientists are still analyzing this material, it is believed to date
from the era of Malia Rodham-Bloomberg (reigned C.E. 2044-2067) or her
successor Mitt Kennedy Bush (reigned C.E. 2067-?).
Below is our translation.
REPORT TO THE NATION ON THE EFFECTIVENESS OF GUN CONTROL
By the Blue-Ribbon Panel on the Current Crisis
BACKGROUND: Following the
Sunnyside Nursery School Massacre and similar disasters, Americans in
the mid decades of the twenty-first century realized that "NO GUNS"
signs and similarly stringent security measures were no longer
sufficient to totally eliminate deadly violence from society.
Chicago Police Chief
Gary McCarthy
Although the gun-rights movement had experienced decades of
successes, Americans finally rose up and demanded sweeping reforms. Some
notable pacifists called for the
slaughter of all gun owners and the torture of any politicians perceived to be pro gun. Police chiefs threatened to have their officers shoot
any armed person on sight. The nation was in crisis.
With Congress in its 23rd consecutive year of disarray, the president
moved to calm the fury with a unilateral series of moderate but firm
measures. The president issued a comprehensive series of Executive
Orders targeting firearms and their owners.
It has been five years since these Orders took effect. We, the
members of this impartial Blue-Ribbon Panel, are now charged with
analyzing their effectiveness and making recommendations for additional
measures.
THE ORDERS AND THEIR DIRECT IMPACT
E.O. 31867: BANNING ALL AUTOMATIC WEAPONS.
This order had little effect for its first three years, owing to the
fact that no one charged with its enforcement could decide whether an
"automatic" weapon was one that fired multiple shots on a single trigger
pull or one that fired only a single shot with each trigger pull but
was black and had features such as a "
shoulder thing that goes up."
Eventually, regulators concluded that all handguns of any type and all
rifles with detachable magazines, bolt actions or lever actions
qualified as "automatic" weapons. A clarifying Order (E.O. 32014) was
issued at that point, directing firearms owners to turn in all their
now-illegal firearms.
In the two years since that second Order was issued it is estimated
that the compliance rate has been approximately .003 percent nationwide,
somewhat lower in the inland West and the South.
The effort to build internment camps to hold millions of resisters is
underway but has been stalled due to a $26 trillion cost overrun,
scandals involving 15 subcontractors and several prominent legislators,
and various acts of terroristic sabotage.
E.O. 31868: ENHANCING THE UNIVERSAL BACKGROUND CHECK SYSTEM.
Perhaps the crown jewel of the series of Executive Orders, E.O. 31868
was meant to ensure that all sales, loans, transfers (of ownership),
transfers (of location) and all other movements involving firearms be
recorded in real time by the federal government.

Surprisingly
and somewhat mysteriously, the enhanced system went down shortly after
being created, but not before being plagued by errors and targeted by
the National Security Agency as a source of information on domestic
terrorism. It is unknown at this point when the system will be
functional again. Cost estimates for the repairs range from $1 trillion
to $75 trillion.
Although it is illegal in the meantime to hand a firearm to another
person (because it is impossible to enter the exchange in the Enhanced
UBC system), unofficial estimates are that approximately 350 million
handoffs are completed and unreported every day despite the threat of
severe penalties.
E.O. 31869: ESTABLISHING A NATIONAL CHAIN OF WEAPON BUYBACK CENTERS.
To encourage voluntary compliance with the ban on automatic weapons and
to encourage people to turn in even such technically legal weapons as
flintlocks, slingshots, letter openers, and ball-peen hammers, the
president ordered that every city with a population greater than 20,000
establish a weapons buyback center.
These centers were rapidly opened and staffed (by police, National
Guardsmen, and volunteers from Mayors and Moms Insist On Sensible
Handgun Control Action NOW (MAMIOSHCAN)).

Although
many rewards were offered, and the public was promised that no
questions would be asked, we must note that the centers have not been
entirely successful. Their main clientele appear to be inner city gang
members seeking to get rid of evidence and elderly women turning in
pot-metal .25s. A suspected serial killer arrived at one buyback center
to turn in an axe, seven butcher knives, two bone saws and a garrot. Due
to the "no questions asked" policy, the items were destroyed as agreed
and he went away with seven gift cards and $500, telling staffers, "I'll
be back."
E.O. 31870: MANDATING CONFISCATION OF ILLEGAL WEAPONS.
After the first 2,570 police officers were shot by residents of the
homes they attempted to enter while enforcing E.O. 31870, enforcement of
this Order was informally suspended via the unilateral action of police
departments nationwide. One sheriff told a representative of Children,
Moms, and Billionaire Mayors with Bodyguards United to Shout Real Loud
for Gun Safety (CMABMWBUTSRLFGS), "You people want their damn guns, you
go in there and get them yourselves."
E.O. 31871: ENDING ILLEGAL GUN MANUFACTURING.
This Order mandated a crackdown on all types of illicit firearm
manufacture, as well as the licensing of 3D printers and coding and
tracking of all materials that might potentially be used to print or
conventionally manufacture illegal firearms. Additionally, it made it
illegal to sell, download, or trade any plans for manufacturing
firearms.

It
is estimated that the systems for licensing and tracking will be ready
in approximately 15 years and that $300 trillion will be required for
enforcement. In the meantime, sales of 3D printers, lathes, and related
equipment and supplies are booming. While several U.S. based Internet
sites have been seized for offering gun-building plans, sites based in
Sweden, China, Lichtenstein, the Pacific Island nation of Tonga, the
Russian Moon Base and several artificial floating "nations" continue to
offer everything from
3D printing plans for pistols to schematics for making
old-fashioned zip guns.
E.O. 31872: SUSPENDING THE POSSE COMITATUS ACT.
Recognizing that ordinary police forces would be insufficient to
confiscate all the newly illegal firearms and put down the expected
resistance of gun felons, the president ordered the
Posse Comitatus Act suspended for the duration of the crisis.
Although
in theory this freed millions of armed troops to participate in
firearms interdiction and confiscation, in reality most of the forces of
the
North American Army Command
were required to guard the White House, the Capitol, the Supreme Court,
and the sites of the planned gun-felon internment camps, as well as
statehouses, police stations, and National Guard armories throughout the
land.
Approximately 15 percent of the military personnel were assigned
to patrol the homes, neighborhoods, and businesses of certain
individuals known to be essential to the functioning of the U.S.
corporate and political systems.
E.O. 31873: DECREEING THE NRA TO BE A TERRORIST GROUP.
Initially, this order (which gun-control advocates had long agitated
for) appeared to be one of the few notable successes of the series. The
National Rifle Association was duly disbanded. Its headquarters were
seized via
civil asset forfeiture
and turned over to the group Moms and Kids Demand Millions of Actions
On Gun Violence Policy (MAKDMOAOGVP). The IRS, FBI, and CIA began a
joint investigation into the NRA's finances and its contributors, which
continues to be ongoing.
However, to the shock of the media and the gun-control establishment,
it emerged that there was not just one terrorist organization pulling
the strings of the nation's population of gun owners, but literally
hundreds of similar, new or previously unheralded terrorist
organizations at national, state, and local levels. These groups were so
diverse that there was (and still is) even one rumored to be called
Jews for the Preservation of Firearms Ownership. The long work of
rooting out all these terrorist groups is complicated by the fact not
only are they small and agile, but some gun terrorists actually operate
as unaffiliated "cells of one," hiding in urban neighborhoods and rural
redoubts alike.
INDIRECT RESULTS
In addition to the direct results, the five years since the issuance
of the president's Executive Orders on gun control have seen the
following results:
1. Every U.S. firearm and equipment manufacturer closed its doors or
moved offshore, or is in the process of doing so, at a cost of an
estimated 175,000 jobs and $133 trillion.

2.
Some of these manufacturers had to move no farther than Wyoming,
Montana, Alaska, Idaho, Alabama, Texas, or the Florida panhandle, all of which
have now seceded from the Union. (While the federal government has
announced plans to force these states back into the U.S. and the
president has announced an "absolute red line" beyond which the
rebellious states will not be allowed to go, there appears to be a
temporary lack of manpower, budgets, and will for any immediate action.)
3. With the trade in illegal guns now as lucrative as the previous
trade in illegal drugs, new gangs have arisen with firearms smuggling as
their specialty.
4. There has been a 10,000 percent rise in bribery and corruption cases among police officers and enforcement functionaries.
5. Large swaths of Chicago, Los Angeles, Newark, Cleveland, and other
cities are now "No Man's Land," taken over by armed gangs. Portions of
Washington, D.C. are impassible, causing most of the federal government
to relocate to Mt. Weather.
6. Residents of these cities have taken to fighting back against the
gangs, but since they know they'll be subject to arrest if caught
defending their homes and neighborhoods, many stressed homeowners are as
likely to fire on police as on gangsters.
7. The latest opinion polls from Gallup, Zogby, and Quinnipiac
University show approval of the president at between 4 and 5 percent.
Approval of Congress no longer reaches measurable levels. While 11
percent still say they approve of the police and military, it's worth
noting that approximately 17 percent of the current U.S. population is
made up of police, the military, and their family members, so 11 percent
can hardly be called impressive.
8. Violent crime has risen by 487 percent.
IMPACT ON FIREARMS OWNERSHIP.
Although the number of guns and gun owners in the U.S. has always
been difficult to pin down, it was estimated that before the
presidential Orders there were some 80 million gun owners and perhaps
300 million individual firearms in the country. Now, under the new
restrictions and enforcement, it is estimated that some 135 million
Americans own firearms, with the total number of guns being upwards of
750 million, an increase of 59 percent and 250 percent, respectively.
RECOMMENDATIONS

Observing
the rise in violence and other illegal activity, groups such as Moms,
Dads, Kids, Cute Kittens, and Others Against Horrible Icky Nasty Guns
and the Even More Horrible Icky Nasty People Who Shoot Them
(MDKCKAOAHINGATEMHINPWST) strongly recommend that the nation needs more
"common sense gun control." Their suggestions include hanging, drawing,
and quartering anyone found with a single bullet and placing NSA
surveillance cameras in every room of every home in the nation.
Having studied the matter in great depth, we disagree.
Based on the level of success of these gun control measures, this
impartial Blue-Ribbon panel makes the following recommendations:
1. Rescind all of the above Executive Orders Immediately.
2. Repeal the Gun Control Act of 1968 to give all Americans broader access to legal firearms.
3. Re-examine and consider repealing every other gun law that targets or penalizes non-violent possession of weapons.
4. Apologize.
5. Devote all possible resources to rebuilding the trust, economy,
and relative peaceableness of the nation. Although it may be to late to
prevent a second civil war or revolution or to bridge the vast cultural
gulfs created by the efforts to end gun ownership, the effort must be
made.
Respectfully submitted.
NOTE: The ancient
document from the ruins of Mount Weather ends here. However a scrawl at
the bottom, written in an unknown hand in faded red ink, reads,
"Classify. File. DO NOT RELEASE. REPEAT -- DO NOT RELEASE."
Scholars disagree on why the North American empire fell, with
some citing corruption of the money supply, others believing the country
exhausted its resources in wars, and yet others pointing to such
problems as the welfare state, excess bureaucracy, or uncontroled
immigration. Our group, however, believes that while (as the old saying
goes) "America wasn't built -- or destroyed -- in a day," with the
finding of this ancient report we encounter the Great Divide between
America ascendent and America in collapse.