Lexophilia

I  changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now.  

England  has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. 

Haunted  French pancakes give me the crepes.

This  girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore. 

I  know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. 

A  thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 

When  the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. 

I  got some batteries that were given out free of charge. 

A  dentist and a manicurist married.  They fought tooth and nail. 

A  will is a dead giveaway. 

With  her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 

Police  were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 

Did  you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?  He's all right now. 

Personal note - Wednesday morning was a total waste: the power was out, and it had snowed nearly 10 inches overnight. No heat, no hot breakfast, and no coffee. That last one nearly brought the day to a screeching halt. :)

So on with the humor:

A  bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. 

The  guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. 

He  had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed. 

When  she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 

Acupuncture  is a jab well done.  That's the point of it. 

I  didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me. 

Did  you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? 

When  you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 

When  chemists die, they barium. 

I  stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I'm  reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.

Those  who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.