As We Head Bravely Into the New Year,

our self-appointed lords & masters have decreed that we cannot stand, eat, drink, read, or use a bathroom for the last 60 minutes of airline flight. Why? Because the most recent example of I.T. (Incompetent Terrorist) managed to set himself on fire. His plan was thwarted by another passenger who jumped up & subdued Captain Underpants.

Therefore, we cannot get out of our seats during that time. After all, we mustn't allow the few people who can still think for themselves to do anything about the next attempt. That would be profiling ... so make sure you get a pass from the hall monitor, or else Janet "our system works" Napolitano will send you to the Principal's office. We must assume that one of the two remaining Air Marshals (if actually on the plane) will then arrest the miscreant, who will be charged with "standing up on a plane".

The First Church of Globular Warmering ("All hail Pope Algore the First!") has decreed that air travel produces so much carbon that henceforth the little people must be discouraged from flying. That's us, boys and girls. Only Algore plane can be permitted to fly - after all, he's zooming around the world in his private jet, producing approximately 20 times more carbon than the rest of us. Therefore, we must all stop, so that he can go on.

So lose your underwear, boys and girls, and prepare to fly commando - it seems Big Brother is going to further indulge his penchant for kabuki rather than do what's necessary to stop, you know, actual terrorists.

UPDATE: It seems that the new rules against standing, reading, going to the restroom, or breathing (well, you know what I mean) are being relaxed again. They didn't say anything about whether we'll be strip-searched or have our underwear inspected in the future.