Police Blotter: Obvious Facts are Obvious

Domestic Disturbance
Officers responded to an apartment after a neighbor reported hearing two people argue. Officers determined that two people had been arguing.

Duh.

Theft
Caller reported that his girlfriend had stolen his cellphone. Officers determined that the cellphone actually belonged to the girlfriend and what the man really wanted was the very important SD card he’d put inside it when he borrowed the phone and which he had subsequently forgotten to remove when he returned it. The man was adamant that he get his SD card back this very night. After waking up numerous members of the girlfriend’s family, the phone was located, the very important SD card was returned and officers made the man very happy.

Domestic Disturbance
Officers who were waking up various friends and family members in order to recover a very important SD card found that [one friend] had violated a long-term protective order. [He] was arrested on one count of Violating Domestic Violence Protective Order.

Trespass
Officers informed the owner of a very important SD card that he was no longer welcome at his friend’s home, per the former friend.

 You know what they say about karma ...

DUI
Caller reported an apparently intoxicated motorcyclist had flagged her down and asked for a ride to the gas station. [The man], 42 yoa, was found by officers a few minutes later, sitting on a motorcycle at the side of the road. He told officers that he just happened to arrive at a place where a motorcycle was already parked. [He] was arrested for Driving under the Influence and Driving without an Operators Permit. The owner of the motorcycle elected not to pursue theft charges.

 "Honest, officers, I thought it was like, you know, a park bench or something." 

Assistance Rendered
Officer assisted EMS personnel with a drunken patient and his drunken brother.

Assistance Rendered
Shortly after police and EMS personnel had been at his home, the drunken brother told police five strangers had entered his house and then left. The sotted sibling told the responding officer that someone had entered his house, told him his father was dead and had then left. The officer suggested the brother get some rest.

 Absinthe makes the thoughts grow stranger ... or something.

Assault
Officers investigated the assault of and threats made against a young man during the course of a dispute over a woman. Officers determined that [a man] had assaulted a rival on three separate occasions earlier in the day, punching him, throwing him to the ground and threatening to remove certain key body parts. [The man] was later arrested on two counts Assault IV and one count Assault III.

Trespass
Officer issued a trespass advisement to a bar patron who had started eating another patron’s food and had then punched the other patron when he was discovered.

"How dare you discover that I've been eating your fries!"