Friday Funnies

-Is it rude for a deaf person to sign with their mouth full of food?
-Do twins realize that one of them is unplanned?
-If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
-What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
-Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
-Why is it so hard to remember how to spell 'mnemonic'?
-If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.
-At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours?
-Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
-If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
-Why is an orange an orange, but an apple not a red?
-The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.
-Why are there no 'B' batteries?
-If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his iPod?
-Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
-Why did God give men nipples?
-Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
-If man evolved from monkeys, how come we still have monkeys?
-How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
-Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
-If buttered toast always lands butter-side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat?
-If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
-When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
-If you are bald, what hair color do they put on your driver's license?
-Why call it a building if it's already been built?
-Is grass really greener on the other side?
-Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
-If God sneezed, what would you say?
-Is it still illegal to park next to a fire hydrant if your car is on fire?
-If the front of your car says 'DODGE', do you really need a horn?
-Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
-Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
-If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
-If a baby's leg pops out at 11:59PM but his head doesn't come out until 12:01, which day was he born on?
-What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
-Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii and Alaska?
-Which letter is silent in the word 'scent': the S or the C?
-If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?
-Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
-How come wrong numbers are never busy?
-Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
-The word 'swims' upside-down is still 'swims'.
-If vampires can't see their reflections, why is their hair always so neat?
-Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
-Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
-Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
-100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
-Can you daydream at night?
-Why do they call the little candy bars "fun size"? Wouldn't it be more fun to eat a big one?
-Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
-Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
-Why do we call it a hot water heater if the water is already hot?
-If you replace 'W' with 'T' in 'What, Where and When' you get the answer to each of them.
-What is a picture of a thousand words worth?
-What was the best thing before sliced bread?
-If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?
-Why does quicksand work slowly?
-Can crop circles be square?
-If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
-Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
-Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
-If ghosts can walk through walls, why don't they fall through the floor?
-Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as you're following the direction of the traffic?
-Is there another word for thesaurus?
-If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
-If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
-Why is vanilla ice cream white, when vanilla extract is brown?
-After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
-Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
-Can animals commit suicide?
-What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
-Is there another word for synonym?
-If glassblowers inhale, do they get a pane in the stomach?
-Why aren't curtains double-sided so it looks nice on both sides?
-Is a pessimist's blood type negative?
-Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-If a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?
-Why is it that when we 'skate on thin ice' we can 'get in hot water'?
-If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
-Why are the little Styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
-Why does grape flavor smell the way it does, when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it?
-Why is it called a "near miss" when you don't hit something?
-Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
-Why do 'caregiver' and 'caretaker' mean the same thing?
-Can a short person talk down to a taller person?
-If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hair net?


h/t MoBro