The Quotes of Steven Wright

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
29 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
30 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
31 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
32 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
33 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Okay, So NOW It Wants to be Winter

It's official: this has been the least snowy winter on record (since 1915 anyway, since they began keeping records).

Fine, whatever. As long as we get some rain this spring, it's all good.

So ... since the first day of Spring, we've had two light snowfalls, and several lows below freezing. And frost on the cars a number of times, including this morning.

Hey, Mother Nature: I know changing your mind is a woman's prerogative (so my wife has been telling me for the better part of 40 years) but couldja PLEASE make up your mind?


Sheesh.

Life Is Unfair Dept:

She Didn't Know She Was Pregnant

I'm not sure what to think of this one:

Accused shoplifter gives birth in jail, says she didn't know she was pregnant

A 24-year-old Anchorage woman arrested for shoplifting gave birth behind bars Sunday morning at the Anchorage jail, Alaska Corrections officials say. The woman told jail employees she did not know she was pregnant.

The inmate had been in state custody since Sept. 16, said Corrections spokeswoman Sherrie Daigle. Daigle declined to name the woman citing medical confidentiality laws.

... "The mother called for a correctional officer to come to her cell and when the officer arrived, they found the baby had been born," Daigle wrote.

There may be something to this one; clearly the jail staff didn't notice anything.

On the other hand, this is one of facilities where inmates are occasionally found dead, and nobody notices that, either. At least not right away...

Unalaska Police Blotter: Things That Make You Go "Hmm"

Trespass
Brian D. Rankin, 41 yoa, was arrested for Criminal Trespass II when he returned to a bar only 20 minutes after having been advised by an officer and bar staff that he was not welcome on the premises.

 

Theft
Caller reported his television remote had been stolen the previous day. An officer responded to the victim’s residence and quickly located a remote in the house, but the victim advised that remote was a back-up and his primary remote had clearly been stolen since he was unable to find it. Not under investigation.

 

Trespass
Aiga Junior Satele, 30 yoa, was arrested for Criminal Trespass II, less than 15 minutes after he was told by an officer that he was not allowed to return [to a drinking establishment - Ed.]. 

 

Theft
Processing plant employee reported that his iPod had been taken from amongst many other equally or more valuable items left on his bed. An investigation was initiated after the alleged victim assured the officer that the iPod could not possibly be anywhere else in the room. The iPod miraculously appeared in the bathroom a short time later.

 

Public Safety
Caller reported three people playing soccer in the roadway near one of the post offices. An officer responded and advised the three grown men that the road was a fantastic place to play if they, collectively or individually, had death wishes.

"Race To Save Nome" Will Be Filmed in ... Alberta

A big-budget film about the 1925 serum run from Seward to Nome that's now commemorated by the annual Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race will star Kurt Russell and Hillary Swank. It is a uniquely Alaskan tale.

Why it's being filmed in Alberta, Canada is anyone's guess.

Seen on Anchorage Streets

The local BMW dealer's "courtesy shuttle" is ... a Dodge Caravan.  It's painted from stem to stern with the dealer's logo, too, so it's not a temporary thing.

Hmm.