Tuesday Funnies

 

Political Wisdom (A Rare Topic)

 If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

    ~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

    ~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. 

    ~Aesop~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

    ~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

    ~Clarence Darrow~

Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

    ~John Quinton~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced? Go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

    ~Author unknown~

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

    ~Ronald Reagan~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

    ~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

    ~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

    ~ Tex Guinan~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

    ~Doug Larson~

And sadly, there is this:

We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate.

~Author unknown~

An Honest Pre-Flight Safety Briefing

 Brief language alert.

Things We Do For No Reason

 

Some Good, Some Groaners

 And you get to decide which is which. 😁😁

John Travolta tested negative for corona virus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.

 I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself, that's the last thing I need.

 Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

 Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

 A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.

 People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.

 Whatever you do, always give 100%, unless you're donating blood.

 What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin’ Catholic.

 What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? "Someday my prints will come."

 I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

 What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.

 If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

 My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "Be positive," but it's hard without him.

 Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

We've Been Talking About Him for Years

 

Ladies and gentlemen, I present Captain Obvious, U.S. Coast Guard. 

Monday Thoughts

Hunker-Down Humor #5

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' 

Stayin' Inside

Health 101

Tuesday's Random Stuff

Tuesday, to the majority of us, is simply known as the day of the week after Monday and before Wednesday. But there is much, much more to this day.

Tuesday is also known as the most productive day of the working week. According to a survey from Accountemps, almost half of the 150 executives that participated in a poll, identified Tuesday as the day that their employees were most productive. They reported that a Tuesday will always beat a Monday because the first day of the working week tends to be filled with more meetings. 

The worst day for productivity, not surprisingly, is reported to be a Friday.

* * * * *

Weird Alaska facts:

Alaska sure loves their moose! It is illegal to push one out of a moving airplane throughout the state, while Fairbanks considers you to criminally liable if you allow a thirsty moose to partake of your alcoholic beverage within the city limits.

You also aren’t allowed to whisper in someone’s ear while they’re moose hunting. Oh, and no shooting moose from an airplane.

In Fairbanks, you can kill a polar bear while it is hibernating , but don’t you dare wake it up to take its picture!

Apparently, their legal shenanigans don’t stop with wildlife. Your dog is not allowed to ride in the back of your pickup truck in Anchorage without being in a cage or tied down, either.

* * * * *

More random stuff:

1. During World War II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

2. Cherophobia is the fear of fun.

3. Footprints and tire tracks left by astronauts on the moon will stay there forever as there is no wind to blow them away.

4. The Welsh word for jellyfish is “pysgod wibli wobli”.

5. Europeans consume about 40% of the planet’s chocolate.

6. Almost half the pigs in the world are kept by farmers in China.

7. The very first nude scene in European cinematic history was in a Greek film in 1931.

8. In Kentucky, it’s against the law to put your ice cream cone in your pocket.

9. Hamsters only live for about 4 years.

10. Barbie’s official birthday is March 9, 1959.

So now you know all the useless/random/weird stuffs.

How About Some More Impeachment Humor?

Heaven knows we can use the laughs.

A Wee Bit o' Gaelic Wisdom

The Coolest Headstone