Yes, Skippy, there are rules.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am that barrier. Read this paragraph very carefully. Twice.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks' homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing and merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Therefore, [continue to] accept and welcome one another, just as Christ has accepted and welcomed us to the glory of [our great] God. - Romans 15:7 (AMP)
Showing posts with label don't get me started. Show all posts
Showing posts with label don't get me started. Show all posts
18 January 2011
06 May 2010
Bleah - a bit o' ranting
There's a lot of stuff going on, in politics/news/nation. It's being covered by everyone and his or her brother. Some do it well, some extremely well, and others so-so. So rather than preach to the choir, I'm just going to hit the high points:
** I'm all for Arizona giving the local LEOs power to enforce existing immigration law. It's not a new law, it's not racist, and it's not illegal to enforce it. Deal with it, or go home. In fact, just go home - it will save them the trouble of arresting and deporting you, and save you the embarrassment ... assuming you still have the decency to be embarrassed.
And to the screaming-mimi who yelled at the cameras, "They're treating illegal aliens like criminals!" ... gee, ya think? Do you listen to the words that come out of your mouth? Like, ever?
** I've had enough of whiney politicians pretending to care about "human rights" all the while eagerly trying to strip me of my NATURAL rights. The Constitution isn't a list of suggestions, you dirt-bags. It's not only the law of the land, but it even says that it is. Try ignoring that, just one more time. We dare you.
Has anyone mentioned to you that November is coming?
** I'm tired of bleeding-heart airheads writing letters to the editor, decrying this, that and the other. It seems there's no cause so unjust that a liberal won't write a letter and then whine about the injustice of having to write a letter to correct an injustice. After all, it's not fair that a day of prayer is about religion, so therefore we must ban prayer. (Seriously, I heard some idiot propose that on the tellyvision, last night. Better ban breathing, too - it produces all that noxious CO2, you know.)
** I'm tired of seeing Nancy Pelosi's botoxed-to-the-max visage on the big screen in my living room.
No particular citation, here; I'm just tired of seeing her. Besides, she scares our cats.
** Obama's birth certificate. For better or worse, he's been sworn into the office of President. Want to do something about it? Then deprive him of congressional support by voting really-and-for-true conservatives into office, come November.
You don't vote? Then hush. You're disqualified from offering an opinion until you start behaving like a citizen.
That's enough for tonight. I'll get back to you when I can write without the urge to throw things.
** I'm all for Arizona giving the local LEOs power to enforce existing immigration law. It's not a new law, it's not racist, and it's not illegal to enforce it. Deal with it, or go home. In fact, just go home - it will save them the trouble of arresting and deporting you, and save you the embarrassment ... assuming you still have the decency to be embarrassed.
And to the screaming-mimi who yelled at the cameras, "They're treating illegal aliens like criminals!" ... gee, ya think? Do you listen to the words that come out of your mouth? Like, ever?
** I've had enough of whiney politicians pretending to care about "human rights" all the while eagerly trying to strip me of my NATURAL rights. The Constitution isn't a list of suggestions, you dirt-bags. It's not only the law of the land, but it even says that it is. Try ignoring that, just one more time. We dare you.
Has anyone mentioned to you that November is coming?
** I'm tired of bleeding-heart airheads writing letters to the editor, decrying this, that and the other. It seems there's no cause so unjust that a liberal won't write a letter and then whine about the injustice of having to write a letter to correct an injustice. After all, it's not fair that a day of prayer is about religion, so therefore we must ban prayer. (Seriously, I heard some idiot propose that on the tellyvision, last night. Better ban breathing, too - it produces all that noxious CO2, you know.)
** I'm tired of seeing Nancy Pelosi's botoxed-to-the-max visage on the big screen in my living room.
No particular citation, here; I'm just tired of seeing her. Besides, she scares our cats.
** Obama's birth certificate. For better or worse, he's been sworn into the office of President. Want to do something about it? Then deprive him of congressional support by voting really-and-for-true conservatives into office, come November.
You don't vote? Then hush. You're disqualified from offering an opinion until you start behaving like a citizen.
That's enough for tonight. I'll get back to you when I can write without the urge to throw things.
26 April 2010
Land of Rugged Independence?
Maybe not as much as I thought.
I was paid a visit this morning by an employee in one of our offices, who complained bitterly that the power wasn't on in her office, or in the break room.
"Did it just happen?" I asked.
"No, it went out Friday. We tried to call you but there was no answer." (Unlikely, at best. The land line forwards to my cell phone when I leave for the day.)
The breaker panel for her room is located 50 feet from her office door. She refused to be shown where it was, telling me "It's not in my job description."
I'll assume she has the wherewithal to turn on her own office lights, although I could be wrong. I fail to see how flipping one switch is different from flipping another switch, a little farther away.
Sigh...
I do wonder who feeds and dresses her, though.
I was paid a visit this morning by an employee in one of our offices, who complained bitterly that the power wasn't on in her office, or in the break room.
"Did it just happen?" I asked.
"No, it went out Friday. We tried to call you but there was no answer." (Unlikely, at best. The land line forwards to my cell phone when I leave for the day.)
The breaker panel for her room is located 50 feet from her office door. She refused to be shown where it was, telling me "It's not in my job description."
I'll assume she has the wherewithal to turn on her own office lights, although I could be wrong. I fail to see how flipping one switch is different from flipping another switch, a little farther away.
Sigh...
I do wonder who feeds and dresses her, though.
21 April 2010
Wednesday Thought
The first two political 'parties' to form after adoption of the Constitution, and during George Washington's administration, were the republicans and the federalists.
The republicans (please note the small 'r') aligned themselves with Thomas Jefferson, who was bitterly opposed to the increasingly-powerful central government envisioned by Alexander Hamilton and his supporters. The Jeffersonian republicans favored a strictly limited "General Government", as Jefferson called it, with an emphasis on States' rights & sovereignty.
Hamilton's falling out with Jefferson over this very issue - and peripheral issues including a national bank and an array of tax proposals from Hamilton - caused first Jefferson, then Hamilton himself, to resign their cabinet posts while George Washington was still in office.
Jefferson himself was a libertarian (again, please note the lower-case 'l'), and that works for me. His concept of the Republic, then newly-formed, was to emphasize the rights and power of The People and the States, with power flowing upward from the citizens.
So in answer to the e-mailed question, I am a Jeffersonian republican. I am aligned with no particular political party, unless someone formed a Jefferson/Constitution Party while I wasn't looking.
The republicans (please note the small 'r') aligned themselves with Thomas Jefferson, who was bitterly opposed to the increasingly-powerful central government envisioned by Alexander Hamilton and his supporters. The Jeffersonian republicans favored a strictly limited "General Government", as Jefferson called it, with an emphasis on States' rights & sovereignty.
Hamilton's falling out with Jefferson over this very issue - and peripheral issues including a national bank and an array of tax proposals from Hamilton - caused first Jefferson, then Hamilton himself, to resign their cabinet posts while George Washington was still in office.
Jefferson himself was a libertarian (again, please note the lower-case 'l'), and that works for me. His concept of the Republic, then newly-formed, was to emphasize the rights and power of The People and the States, with power flowing upward from the citizens.
So in answer to the e-mailed question, I am a Jeffersonian republican. I am aligned with no particular political party, unless someone formed a Jefferson/Constitution Party while I wasn't looking.
21 December 2009
Winter Solstice 2009
Good morning. From today through January 1st, we'll add about 12 minutes of daylight. The local birdcage liner says that's enough time for a coffee break. They must use smaller cups ...
I'll be spending at least part of this morning working with a tech rep regarding a partial failure of the computer controlling our electronic door/security system. It's still reading the magnetic cards, but ignoring keypad entries. Its selective memory loss includes my account & password, but the rep set me up with a temporary account from which I can access the controls until he gets things working again. I just hope the timer unlocks the employee entrance at the proper time, or I'll be hearing about it for hours. I'll know, soon enough.
On the other hand, if that's the worst thing that happens, it will be a calm week. One can only hope.
Update: the system is back to normal - for no apparent reason - although it still refuses to acknowledge my original password. It makes no more sense than Friday's malfunction.
I'll be spending at least part of this morning working with a tech rep regarding a partial failure of the computer controlling our electronic door/security system. It's still reading the magnetic cards, but ignoring keypad entries. Its selective memory loss includes my account & password, but the rep set me up with a temporary account from which I can access the controls until he gets things working again. I just hope the timer unlocks the employee entrance at the proper time, or I'll be hearing about it for hours. I'll know, soon enough.
On the other hand, if that's the worst thing that happens, it will be a calm week. One can only hope.
Update: the system is back to normal - for no apparent reason - although it still refuses to acknowledge my original password. It makes no more sense than Friday's malfunction.
29 June 2009
02 April 2009
More Global Warming NONSENSE
This story says the arctic ice is melting so fast, it'll be gone in 30 years.
Is this the same sea ice that has been growing so fast that it's been trapping ice-breakers and other ships which go up there to check on the "melting", or searching for a "northwest passage"?
The same arctic ice where researchers admitted this year that they missed & under-reported an area of ice nearly the size of Alaska (500,000 sq. miles)?
What a bunch of buffoons!
And now I'm waiting for the inevitable penalty, tax, or whatever sacrifice that Americans will be asked to pay, because "something must be done!" (And naturally, it will be all our fault.)
What a bunch of buffoons!
These are the same guys who can't accurately predict what the weather will be like over the weekend, but we're supposed to trust them with their 30-year outlook?
What a bunch of buffoons!
Is this the same sea ice that has been growing so fast that it's been trapping ice-breakers and other ships which go up there to check on the "melting", or searching for a "northwest passage"?
The same arctic ice where researchers admitted this year that they missed & under-reported an area of ice nearly the size of Alaska (500,000 sq. miles)?
What a bunch of buffoons!
And now I'm waiting for the inevitable penalty, tax, or whatever sacrifice that Americans will be asked to pay, because "something must be done!" (And naturally, it will be all our fault.)
What a bunch of buffoons!
These are the same guys who can't accurately predict what the weather will be like over the weekend, but we're supposed to trust them with their 30-year outlook?
What a bunch of buffoons!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)